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Saturday,
Okay diary, today was sad.
I talked to Eni, I love her, she’s like a sister and a best friend. She makes me want to live, which is a rare feeling.
My brother came over. I have a lot of fun but I hate it when he leaves. The house suddenly quiets up and feels empty, it’s like a part of my heart is gone and it feels very lonely suddenly having no one to constantly acknowledge me.
I was listening to the songs, born to die, summertime sadness and give you what you like. Songs like these three kill me, they rip my heart open and make me wanna die crying.
I don’t know if its the slow, low intertwined tunes with slidy vocals or what? I don’t like the fact that so many people like Lana Del Rey’s songs because most of them completely miss the point. It’s like, people watch a really amazing movie but don’t get the plot, instead they like it because there’s a lot of boobs in it….for all the wrong reasons.
These three songs have something in common, like the slow mixed tunes and convey sad feelings…I love the kind of sad feeling that I get, its like reflective melancholy and I always Want to cry. I actually remember once starting to cry while listening to one of them. I love it. It gives me that feeling- when you’ve lost everything, even the most dearest thing to you and you smile because its time to move on and start over and things are gonna be fine….
There was an angel I had imagined, the one who comes to euthanize me someday…I had imagined her voice… before I knew about Lana Del Rey …and you know what she sounded like? Exactly like Lana Del Rey! Its that kind of voice that makes me feel safe, it’s almost motherly. I can imagine that voice telling me its alright and it’s time to die, its soothing… like a painkiller.
Let me tell you, when you hear songs like these, when it feels like someone has pulled them out of the darkest parts of your own head…it freaks you out.
Telling you diary, I don’t know if other feel this way, maybe they have other songs that make them feel such things. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just crazy.
This always happens to me. With books, Even after watching a movie- my friends freak out because I’m so quiet, the fact is I’m just still stuck In the feelings and the characters and the pain they feel…must be my borderline doing this to me.
MV